Dying is an Art

"Daddy, I have had to kill you..."

2005-01-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

"New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely."
-The Shins New Slang

So, I got the soundtrack to the movie "Garden State." I normally don't buy soundtracks, but this one warranted it. A good movie with really good music. Most of the music I have heard before, but there is something about a collection that feels nice sometimes. Anyway, a couple of years ago I heard The Shins for the first time and I loved them. The Garden State soundtrack has 2 songs by them, one of which is called "New Slang." I am obsessed with it recently. Even having heard it many times before, I am finding that it moves me in so many weird ways. I almost cry every time I hear it, though it is not particularly sad. It makes me think of my dad... Just the sound of it. I know he would like it, if he doesn't already. Of all the issues that divide my dad and I there were always 2 that united us: music and books. We are both passionate about them. And we seem to have similar tastes. I mean, my mom also is a voracious reader, but she reads romance novels (gag) and things like that. My dad and I like the same kinds of books. He introduced me to Charles Bukowski. I introduced him to Milan Kundera. And one summer we both read "Catcher in the Rye" at the same time just to talk about it. But books never remind me of my dad the way music does, the way hearing certain songs makes me ache for him in my life. And right now, it is "New Slang." Each and every time, no matter that the words don't mean anything, the sound of the song makes me sad for my dad.

Speaking of him, tomorrow is his birthday. He will be 50. And I spoke to him for the first time in over 6 months on New Years. Quite by accident, I think... I was speaking to everyone else. Part of me feels like I should just accept that this is who my dad is... He loves me, but he's not particularly present. I hate that so much, that he can't show his love. It makes me incredibly angry and I feel like I want to write him off and leave him behind. But I can't because of my sister and brother. I wonder, if it weren't for them, if I would do it, though. Because fighting with the side of me that feels like I should search for acceptance is another part of me that believes loving someone means showing it and I deserve that! He's spent the majority of the last 28 years being absent. Can he not write me a letter or speak to me on the phone every now and then?? I just don't know... When he speak, there is such tenderness in his voice. But then, he hasn't used that tenderness or even communicated with me at all since my son was a few days old. Why is he like this?? And why can't I ever get past it.

****

Well, I wrote that a few days ago with the intention of posting it, but I guess I forgot.

On to other things... Jonah had his first appointment with Dr. Bob Sears. It went very well!! Jonah is huge, but he seems to be growing more slowly than he was, which is good for us because it means his clothes will last a little longer! He weighed 21lbs8oz and was 27 1/4" long. His height seems to be catching up with his weight. He was in the 50th percentile for height and now he is in the 70th. For weight he is in the 95th percentile (down from the 97th). Overall, a healthy little bub. Dr. Bob also told us that the umbilical hernia Jonah's former ped diagnosed is NOT a hernia afterall. It's just his belly button. The slight discoloration is from his cord. Because I thought it was a hernia, I had been leaving his belly button alone. Dr. Bob told us to swab it with alcohol and the discoloration should fade over the course of a few weeks. We also asked about retinoblastoma because I took some weird looking pics. But after he explained things in detail and looked at Jonah's eyes, we are no longer concerned. Jonah has also been refusing solids a lot. We mentioned this and Dr. Bob said it was fine since, during the first year, solids are only for fun and for practice. He said not to worry about any inconsistency. The last thing we talked about was cosleeping safely with our crawler. He told us we should take our bed off it's frame and put it on the floor since all cosleepers inevitably fall off the bed once or twice. This bummed me out... We have a gorgeous sleigh bed that I *love* and I would hate to put it in storage for the next year or two. For now we are leaving it since Jonah never sleeps in bed alone anyway. But once he does, I guess we will have to take it down. It would be stupid to risk Jonah's safety to preserve the aesthetics of our bedroom. Jonah also had his 6 month vaccinations. He cried this time. But I was holding him so as soon as they were over I cuddled him and he quieted down almost immediately. The nurse told us to expect more crying as he gets older. Great. Knowing my son is in pain, even for something like a shot, is the kind of thing that makes ME cry. All in all, though, a great appointment. We were very happy with the practice and Dr. Bob. Jonah's next visit is at 9 months!

In other Jonah news, the kid is developing so fast I can hardly stand it! He is crawling everywhere now, and giggling as he sees his destination in sight. It's so cute! He is also sitting on his own without any problems (usually crawling comes 2nd to sitting, but getting around was more important than being upright to my kiddo). Last weekend he learned how to pull himself up into the standing position. Now that's ALL he wants to do! He crawls from table to table (both the furniture kind and the play kind) and pulls himself up. And if you are on the floor with him, he climbs up you!! In addition to all of this, he is now starting to use a sippy cup. He's not a pro, but he's working on it. We're using the Avent cups because they have a very soft nipple-like spout and I think that will help him out. Jonah is also teething like a maniac. No teeth yet, but I imagine it will be soon. He's been fussier than normal. Usually giving him Hyland's teething tablets helps, though. Poor kid. Imagine sprouting a whole mouthful of teeth at once?? Ouch!

We had our first playdate with a few other AP moms. It ended up raining like mad so it was just a few of us and Jonah was the only crawler. The other kids were either walking or immobile still. He still had fun. Although this 2 year old little girl scared him senseless at first. She went racing by him, screaming with delight and it just terrified him. His first experience with a toddler... He cried so hard which is unlike him! And then he continued to cry every time he even LOOKED at her for a good 15 minutes. It was kind of funny =) Eventually he warmed up, though and did fine.

I feel like there was more I was going to write about, but I'm tired so I'm going to call it a day... This weekend we'll be seeing Tommy & family and probably just going to the dog park. Nice & quiet =) I'll write more after the weekend!

Holiday Bliss

2004-12-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

"...Even in the deepest sleep I cannot put you down.
I know from instinct
that birth takes months; a push from womb
to cradeboard, hammock, sling.
Woman rises, sore, from birthing,
returns to the work of life. Hands free
for gathering, digging in dirt, kneading bread,
she walks unhindered, patting the sling
like a pregnant belly, shifting familiar weight.

Baby remembers the tight, dark warmth,
the comfort of heartsounds, rides rocked
in her walk, awash in the waves of her breathing
like before.
At night, in the furs and quilts,
in hammocks and sleeping mats, pioneer rope beds,
in wigwams, grass huts, soddies,
they slept as we sleep now
heart to heart.

Before you were born
I listened for you all night, curled on my side around your
squirming.
Now your breathing comforts me back..."
from Sleeping with Baby, December by Kelly Averill-Savino

It's been a while since I wrote. I guess I will start out where I left off... Riley's birthday. When all was said and done it was a very nice, quiet day. For the first time ever, it did not rain on her birthday. In some ways that made me sad - I always feel like the rain in some way signifies her presence. But in another way, I felt like maybe she was letting us have the sunshine back. Her brother is here now and our lives have finally taken a happy turn for the first time since she died.

Anyway, we spent the morning quietly and normally. I can't help but watch the clock, though. I did it all night on the 13th, too - "Right now is when we left for the hospital" and "Right now is when we found out" and "Right now is when they started my labor..." I can't help doing things like that. So in the morning I noted when I woke up, when I reached 10cm, when I started pushing and then, at 10:22am, when she was born. I remembered the first moments afterward, the time when we finally held her, Kevin and I alone in the room with our beautiful baby girl - how he sobbed and clutched her to his chest, a memory that never leaves my mind, that is so clear and painful it's as if it happened yesterday. But I did OK. And I noticed that, right at the moment of her birth, Jonah started looking up toward the ceiling and quietly babbling for a few moments. Probably a coincidence, but I'd like to believe his little child's eye can see things that we cannot.

Anyway, in the afternoon my mom came over and then we met the Bacas up in the mountains and released balloons. It was such a sunny, clear day. And as we arrived around 4pm, the sun was starting to dip in the sky making the mountains glow. We let Jonah hold the balloons and we gave him a couple to let go. He loved them and kept staring up at them. When we finally let them go, they drifted up so softly. And as they moved higher and higher in the sky, the sun caught them just right and they looked like beautiful, twinkling jewels sparking and turning on their ascent toward the heavens. It was breathtaking. And I could almost feel my daughter opening her arms and scooping up all the pretty balloons.

Afterward we drove back down the mountain. I called Raechel and she and Mena came over. We decided to go out to dinner - us, the babies, my mom and my MIL. It was nice to have a little girls' night (well, except my baby boy, Jonah!). And it was a nice end to the day, normal and fun and full of talking and laughter and sweet little baby smiles. I was glad when the day finally ended. It's like I finally have permission to move past it for a little while. So that was that...

Anyway, here are some pics from Riley's birthday and our little balloon release. This first pic is Jonah looking up at the balloons.

This is Jonah and I about to release the balloons...

The balloons going up...

Before I go on, I have another pic I want to post. When I was pregnant with Jonah I had a few sessions with a photographer. Anyway, it took me forever to meet her to get the pics back and then even longer to get them scanned. But anyway, better late than never right... This shoot was done at the Malibu Lagoon when I was about 30 weeks pregnant with Jonah.

Moving on, the next few weeks were spent dedicated to shopping and decorating. We picked out a tree and covered it in ornaments and lights. It was a lot of fun and our first tree in this house, since before Riley. Jonah liked the tree, too. He was constantly trying to pull the bottom ornaments off and rubbing the pine needles between his little fingers.

Here's a picture of us tree hunting. Jonah is in the mei tai carrier my friend Natalie made and was nice enough to send me since she was done using it (we love it, by the way!).

I spent most of the week before Christmas catching up on shopping. I never managed to get cards sent out. There never seemed to be a moment of time. Kevin and I were even out on Christmas Eve shopping! But it was all worth it... By the way, here are a few pics of the professional pics we had done of Jonah for Christmas. He's wearing his adorable little outfit that I spent WEEKS shopping for!

Jonah seemed to sense that it was a special day on Christmas. He woke me up bright and early and full of smiles. So we went to the tree and let him look at all the presents. He loved all the bows and paper. We pulled out his giant gift from us and let him unwrap it himself. I purposefully wrapped it a little loosely and didn't use a lot of tape. And he managed to rip all the paper off of this giant box. And he had so much fun doing it! After he opened his gifts, we got his big gift all set up and played with it with him. It was the Incrediblock... He LOVED it and was so excited. It was such a nice, fun morning with just the 3 of us. Kevin and I are still gushing about how perfect it was, how happy we were.

Here are some pics of Jonah from Christmas morning. This first one is him under the tree, patiently waiting to tear open some presents (he is wearing the Santa suit my family in Scotland sent him).

...opening his first present.

...happily crawling through the mess of toys and wrapping paper.

After a while Jonah took a nap. And then when he woke up, Grandma & Grandpa and Uncle Rob (my ILs) all showed up with even more presents... Tons of presents, really. Jonah was wearing down from all the stimulation by this point and he was so distracted. So he tore at a few presents, but we opened most of them. He played with everything, but his favorite thing they got him was the Peek-a-Block train. Kevin and I also opened our gifts. We got some nice things. I got picture frames and holders which is great for me! I also got some of the Willow Tree figurines, including one called "Tenderness" which is a mom holding her son... it totally made me cry. I am such a sap. Anyway, I also got a few books by Dr. Sears as well as books about baby sign language. And Kevin, of course, got tons of new Adidas clothes and beanies, his favorite.

After the in laws visit, they went home to get ready and to let us get ready. Around 2pm we left for my grandma's house where my entire family was and Kevin's family was meeting us. We had a nice time there. It was wonderful having everyone there sharing Christmas together. Jonah got passed around from grandparent to grandparent all afternoon. He and I took a few naps in my grandma's room together, but mostly he wanted to be a part of the excitement. Despite his slightly sleep-deprived state, he maintained his good nature and was a joy to be around. Then we opened more presents!! Again, Jonah got a TON of stuff. I got more books & the money from my Ellaroo wrap which was cool. I also got a sewing machine which kinda made me go, "huh?" since I've never sewn or expressed an interest in sewing. The funniest part is when my grandma chastised me by telling me to remember that it was a real sewing machine and not a toy! LOL!

Here are a few pics of Jonah from my grandma's house. This first one is of him and his Grampy (my step-dad).

...posing with one of his new toys.

...playing with Daddy.

Anyway, after all the festivities, we headed home. Jonah wanted to play for a little longer so we let him. And then we headed off to bed. When all was said and done, the child made out like a BANDIT! He got the Peek-a-Block Incrediblock, Peek-a-Block train, Peek-a-Block wagon, Peek-a-Block elephant, Leap Frog learning table, Fisher Price learning table, Leap Frog leap pad, a Barney doll, some stuffed animals, "The Biggest Bed in the World" (about cosleeping!) book and tons of clothes (including a Bob Marley t-shirt which is way too cute!). It officially looks like Toys R' Us moved their headquarters to our house. I cannot even comprehend all of the STUFF! But it was a fun, joyous Christmas and I feel spent with happiness.

Anyway, moving on from holiday babble, everything else is going well. Jonah is growing incredibly quickly and it seems like every day, there is something new to behold. He now sits up by himself quite well. His balance is still iffy, but he still does great. He is also crawling now! He's sort of doing a half normal crawl/half Army crawl thing, but his form and speed are improving daily. And it's hard to keep up with him now!! It's kinda on the early side for him to be crawling already which sort of confirms my thoughts that he will physically be like Kevin in that he reaches all of his milestones quickly. Kevin was walking by 7 months which scares me! Jonah is now starting to pull himself up. He's VERY unsteady and needs support to stay up. But it's still freaking me out! All of this is happening so fast and I just want him to stay little for a while longer.

Here's a few pics of Jonah crawling.

I love this one... He's frustrated because he can't go as fast as he wants to.

I also should mention that we DID switch pediatricians to Dr. Sears. We're not seeing Dr. Bill, but instead his son, Dr. Bob. Jonah's first appointment is for his 6 month well-baby visit on January 7. I'm excited. How lame, huh? I've totally become a doctor groupie. Oh well...

We also joined ANOTHER AP playgroup. The first one only met during the week which meant I could never go. And Kevin is so tired that it's hard for him to get out to the meetings because they were usually at like 10am. So we joined another one that is just starting. It's closer and we're having meetings on the weekend. Our first one is on 1/9 at a local park which should be fun. I'm excited!!

Anyway, I guess that's about it. I will write more later. And just for fun, I'll leave you with one of my favorite silly pics of Jonah that I recently took...

Star light, star bright...

2004-12-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

"Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow....

Your skin,
oh yeah your skin & bones
turn in to something beautiful
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so."
-Coldplay Yellow

"I did not know that she could go away. I did not know that she could go away and take our lives with her, yet leave our dull bodies behind. And I did not know what she was. To me she was but treasure in the bank, the amount unknown, the need to look at it daily, handle it, weigh it, count it, realize it, not necessary. And now that I would do it, the bank is broken, my fortune is gone, I am a pauper. How am I to comprehend this? How am I to have it? Why am I robbed, and who is benefitted?" -Mark Twain

"When we bury the old, we bury the known past, the past we imagine sometimes better than it was, but the past all the same, a portion of which we inhabited. Memory is the overwhelming theme, the eventual comfort.

But burying infants, we bury the future, unwieldy and unknown, full of promise and possibilities, outcomes punctuated by our rosy hopes. The grief has no borders, no limits, no known ends, and the little infant graves that edge the corners of fencerows of every cemetery are never quite enough to contain that grief. Some sadnesses are permanent. Dead babies do not give us memories. They give us dreams." -Thomas Lynch

"The world loves closure, loves a thing that can, as they say, be gotten through. This is why it comes as great surprise to find that loss is forever, that two decades after the event there are those occasions when something in you cries out at the continual presence of an absence."
-Anna Quindlen

"I’ll say it loud here by your grave
Those angels can’t ever take my place
Somewhere where the the orchids grow
I can’t find those church bells
That played when you died
Played gloria"
-Tori Amos Playboy Mommy

I know I need to write about this. I have been writing about it in my head since Thanksgiving, but I haven't been able to find the words or the energy to face it.

I keep looking at the clock today knowing she had already died. It's 11:25am right now. I was just leaving the doctor's office, feeling a little excited about the prospect of being induced and feeling a little nervous and unsettled about her heartrate even though the doctor told us it was normal. This day, these days, they rage through me as I relive them. I never think of "last year"... it seems I can only remember *that* year. Once Thanksgiving comes, it always starts. Because she should have been born just before Thanksgiving. If only... I don't know why she couldn't have come. Just a few days earlier, that's all it would have taken. And if she had, I would be deep into planning a birthday party for my 4 year old. Four years old... That's what she should be. It amazes me all the time. She'd be talking non-stop probably. She'd be able to tell me what she wants for her birthday, express pride at sharing the tradition of being born just before her father, tell me what she wants for Christmas... We could make cookies together and shop to buy her dress. She could shop with me for Jonah, be his big sister and little Mommy all at the same time. I can *see* her. I really can... Lanky, tall, honey colored curls, a mouth like mine and her brother's, golden skin, blue eyes with impossibly long lashes. Her little hands, replicas of her father's with long, perfect fingers. It's so easy to see her in my mind... what I wouldn't give to see her with my eyes, to hold her in my arms just one more time. Even as I type this I feel myself closing my eyes and seeing it, trying so hard to feel it, to remember her as something other than dead and gone from me forever. Can you imagine? Forever. No matter what I do, no matter how I claw and struggle and wish and want, it cannot be any other way. As desperate as I feel to change it, all I can do is endure it instead. I miss her so much. I love her so much.

I suppose people think Jonah should have "fixed" a lot of these emotions. In fact, quite the opposite is true. And as I type that I hope it doesn't sound like I blame Jonah for the intensified feelings of loss. They are not about him. It's only that having him, seeing this joy, watching him grow... It makes her loss more real. Now I know what I have lost. The joy Jonah gives should be doubled through his sister. Lately when I rock him to sleep at night and stare at his beauty, I am pulled into thinking of Riley. I close my eyes and can almost feel myself 4 years back, holding her and rocking her. I can see it so much more clearly now. The dream now has this tinge of reality to it. Before it was all romantic notions. But now I know the real romance, the real beauty is in the mundane everyday-ness. And I have missed all of it with her. I never changed her, dressed her, fed her, heard her voice in the morning... I held her once. Kissed her for brief moments that will have to last for all time. That's it. It's all I have. A pregnancy test, blurry ultrasound images, a single article of clothing, a tiny wisp of hair, two small footprints and a single photo. This all that survives to be touched, the only tangible articles I have to assure me that she was real. I wear her scars, too. Riley left tiny lines on my body to show her growth. They're still there, faded and shimmery white now. Funny that Jonah, despite being bigger than her, hardly left a mark on me. Maybe I needed to have the evidence of Riley because it would have to sustain me, whereas I am fortunate to not need those reminders with Jonah because I am blessed enough to gaze upon him every day.

This feel so disjointed. I can hardly make it from one thought to the next. I just feel crushed, full of agony, desperate. That's the best word... desperate. Desperate to go back. Desperate to make things different. Desperate for an extra moment. Desperate to bring her back to life. Desperate for her touch, her smell, her sound... Will I ever move past this? I suppose not. And in a way I don't want to. But missing her, it is such work, so hard, so impossible. To miss someone and not have a reunification to look forward to, it's misery. It's like being trapped. The concept of "forever" is never more clear to me than when I am longing for my daughter.

Yesterday was National Children's Memorial Day. We went to the service as we do every year. Last year it was on her birthday. This year it was on the last day of her life. I went to bed last night and snuggled with my son. But sleep was so hard to find... All I could do was remember 4 years ago. Listening to Simon & Garfunkle on the couch with Kevin, laughing as he sang silly folky songs to her and then laughing harder as she responded with gleeful kicks and turns. The world was perfect then. And now, grace has touched my life through my son. But will I ever know that perfection again? As close as I come, she will always be missing. There will always be an underlying sorrow. Jonah has brought us joy and wonder and pure love so enormous that it cannot be contained. But it can never make up for what we lost when she died. I should have 2 children. My son should have a sister. We have all been robbed.

It's so hard for me to imagine this because I am not a person of devout faith. But somewhere my sense of spirituality tells me she is there. Maybe it's because I want it so badly. But I hope that, even if we cannot see her, she can see us... I hope she knows our love, feels it deep within her... I hope she sees her baby brother and adores him as we do. And I hope that all those believers are right and that, even if it is not here on earth, there will be a reunification, that my desires and my dreams are not in vain. I hope my arms will one day feel her weight again, that I will be able to hold her hand, bury my face in her hair and tell her again and again that I love her.

Nice, long weekend...

2004-12-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

Well, we had a pretty nice Thanksgiving holiday. Wednesday night we went shopping with Raechel, Jerry, Mena and my MIL. We went back to the new mall and had a good time. We got Jonah a new outfit at the Children's Place that is to die for. We also got him some more pj's. I have discovered that I LOVE pj's from the Children's Place. They are fitted, plus they have a little elastic only at the back of the ankle (helps keep the feet in place without constricting) and they have a zipper instead of snaps! Can I tell you how much I hate snaps?? I feel like I am forever snapping Jonah's crotch =) And recently he has become adept at popping the snaps. The other night I woke up and he had an entire leg out of his pajamas!

Thursday we got up early and went to Kev's Uncle Bobby's house for the traditional holiday brunch. It was nice, but kinda sad. Kevin's cousin (well, his cousin's wife) lost her father the day before Thanksgiving. He was diagnosed with cancer 4 months ago. They thought it started in his brain, but when they operated they discovered it had actually started in his gall bladder and had spread everywhere. A few weeks ago they found out the chemo wasn't working. And then, just like that, he went into the hospital and died. I guess the hospital wouldn't let the family in to be with him, either! How sick is that?? But somehow Kevin's cousin, Rick (the husband), managed to sneak into the room and as it happens, Rick was with him when he died. I know it has been very hard on Rick, but it gives Maria a lot of comfort to know her dad didn't die alone. I feel so awful for her, though... She was so close to her dad. He watched her twins everyday while she worked AND also watched her sisters twins (Maria's are 18 months and her sister's are 4 years old). He was very close to his grandkids and a wonderful dad, grandpa and husband. It's so very sad... So it put a little bit of a damper on the festivities. Maria didn't come, but Rick did and he was kind of subdued which is to be expected.

After Kevin's celebration we came home and all 3 of us took a looooooonnnnggg nap. When we woke up it was 4pm! So we raced to my family's house and spent time with them. It was nice... Everyone was there. The MOB actually came out of her room, but she didn't interact with anyone. Her son, Andre did, though. Here's a pic of him playing with Jonah:

My brother Clint was there as usual. He has been afraid to hold Jonah all this time... Just not baby friendly. But I made him hold his nephew! I could tell he wanted to - he watched Jonah the whole time. But he was too macho/nervous to ask. So I just sort of dropped Jonah in his lap. Here they are together:

My other brother, Matthew was also there. Matthew recently found the Baptist church (after being a Scientologist of all things) and he has gone completely overboard. It's kinda scary, actually. He wrote everyone in the family TWO give page letters citing Biblical passages about salvation and damnation. I was kind of offended, but I didn't say anything. Matthew knows how all of us feel. Everyone is Catholic (which he suddenly doesn't believe is a true Christian faith because of what the Baptists are teaching him) with the exception of me and Clint, who is an Athiest. I feel like he's being really pushy. But I also know he is doing it from a place of love and concern. I guess he really believes were all doomed to spend eternity in Hell. Whatever. I guess since he hasn't stopped pushing his beliefs at us, it is time for me to expose him to my beliefs. Two can play his game and I don't think it's fair that I accept his "witnessing" without calling into question what he thinks and exposing him to my beliefs (kinda in line with the Unitarian Universalists) in more detail. I thought he'd have started to outgrow this by now, but he's not. Personally, I find it to be kinda lame. Having a belief in God is great if that's what you're about. Shoving it at other people is another thing altogether.

Anyway, that was our Thanksgiving. It was nice having Jonah with us for the holidays... Added to the festive feeling. Christmas is going to be quite the event. Anyway, here are some pics of Jonah from Thanksgiving:

Friday I did one thing and one thing only - CLEANED! It was so nice!! Kevin took care of Jonah and I went to town and cleaned my entire house from top to bottom. I feel so much better! It's so hard to do that with a baby so the long holiday was awesome. My house is still spotless and I love it!!

Saturday we saw just about everyone. In the morning we had brunch with Raechel, Jerry and Mena. Afterward they came over and we spent some time together just hanging out. After they left, Bryan and Tiffany came over for a while. And after they left, we went to Angela's boyfriend's house to have dinner with them... Ang made the most amazing salad and homemade mac & cheese. It was so good that I got the recipe and am going to make it, too. The mac & cheese was to DIE for and so easy! By the end of the night we were so tired, though!! We had such a busy day, but it was nice seeing everyone. We even saw Ahmaad for a little while in the afternoon...

Sunday we spent most of the day with family. We went to Nordstrom with Kevin's mom because Kevin had an additional discount for the day. She had to buy some presents for BIL & FIL. We also went to the Children's Place (again!) and bought Jonah some bootie/moccasin things to go with the outfit we'd just got for him. Afterward we went to ILs house for dinner. Took some pics of Jonah playing with FIL and BIL. Here are a few:

Looking at a book with Kev & BIL...

Walking with BIL & FIL... (BTW, those are the Children's Place pj's I mentioned!)

Seriously, Jonah & FIL ADORE each other!!

And I know I mentioned more recent pics of Jonah in his sling in the Kangaroo/Buddha carry. Here are a couple:

I know I said I wanted the ellaroo wrap and I still do... But the ellaroo mei tais are SO beautiful and I am seriously thinking of getting one. They seem to be on backorder a lot, though. And they are pricey! I think the wrap is around $80. And the mei tai is $130!! Yikes! But it's really gorgeous... We'll have to see. I swear, I dunno what I'm going to do when I can't wear Jonah anymore. All of the beautiful babywearing stuff is so amazing! I'll end up carrying my dog in it or something... LOL!

Anyway, not much else going on. I am trying to get back into cooking so tonight I am going shopping to fill my kitchen. Speaking of cooking, Jonah tried sweet potatoes for the first time this week. He LOVED them!! I'll leave you with a pic:

Baby talk & holiday babble...

2004-11-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe my child is 5 months old already! Tuesday was his "month-birthday." It's amazing how much he has grown, both physically and intellectually. He is so smart and does all of these amazing things now!! He really understands his toys and reaches for everything so he can inspect and taste it! He is also now reaching out for whoever he wants to hold him which is too cute. This morning FIL was holding him and MIL and I were standing there. MIL reached her arms out to him, but instead Jonah turned and reached for me! I felt so special... LOL! He was happy to go to MIL, but I gave him a quick hug first for loving his Momma so much. Jonah is also coming close to crawling. I think it will probably happen in the next month. So we really need to steam clean our carpets again, make sure we vacuum all the corners and edges really well, tie up our cords and just baby-proof in general. The other thing I am so excited about is that Jonah seems to be understanding the sign we've been doing with him! We started with just one sign - milk. We've been doing it as we prepare his bottles and immediately before we feed him, as well as saying the word "milk" as we do it. Jonah always opens his mouth when he sees his bottle. But lately he has been opening his mouth when we sign "milk" to him before he even sees his bottle! It's so exciting!! So now we're going to add a new sign... Something to indicate he needs/wants a diaper change. I need to look at the signs for some words and decide which works best for us. So hard to believe that this cognizant, playful little baby was a sleeping, virtually immobile newborn just a few months ago! Ah, the time it goes too fast. Even weirder is the fact that it has been over a year since I found out I was pregnant with him. At this exact time last year I was on bedrest for my morning sickness and I got my very first injection to quell the sickness the day before Thanksgiving. In a year Jonah has gone from a tiny spec to a 20 pound babbling baby! Here are "then" and "now" pics of Jonah!

This is his *very* first pic! That's his head coming out!!

Here he is on the day he was born after he'd been cleaned and dressed.

And here's my cute little chubby boy now!

So, we finally got Jonah's Christmas outfit. I shopped for FOUR hours on Saturday and have been to 3 malls and various other stores looking for it over the past few weeks. I finally found what I wanted at this new, gorgeous outdoor mall they built close to where I live (http://www.victoriagardensie.com/controller/site). Everywhere I went all I saw for little boys was the same boring sweater with a snowflake or a reindeer on it and little khaki or corduroy pants. A few places had the aforementioned sweaters as vests with ties. I hated everything and found it all so unoriginal. I was starting to get really upset and frustrated. I wanted something more traditional, babyish and special. Finally, at a store called Stratsburg Children, which is specifically a store for special occasion clothing for kids, I found *exactly* what I was looking for and I almost cried I was so excited. Basically, it's a black velvet jumper/overall with 2 rows of 3 buttons on the middle of the chest. Underneath is a white collared dress shirt with a little bit of black trim on the edges. It is so perfect I can't stand it! It looks like it came right out of the 20s or something... It's so classic. They don't have this outfit on their website so I can't link to a picture of it, but we'll be doing Christmas pics of Jonah soon and I will post one then. I love, love, love it. It was kinda pricey ($85, but we got it on sale for $60 as part of the grand opening of the mall!), but worth every cent. We have to get little shoes now. It's harder than I thought. I'd prefer soft bottom shoes, but the only dressy pair we found didn't fit. Jonah has chubby feet and the shoes were too narrow in a size 3 and a size 4 would have been huge in length (plus, I don't think they had the soft bottoms in a 4). So anyway, I'm thrilled we finally got his outfit. I was starting to stress!

Speaking of Christmas, we've made our lists!! LOL! I just sent them to my mom and MIL (they asked!). I'm glad my mom will be shopping off a list... She has a tendency to buy toys that aren't age appropriate (she has given Jonah lots of 12M & 18M toys which he can't play with yet!). Jonah's list has lots of Leap Frog stuff, Peek-a-Blocks, "The Biggest Bed in the World" (a children's book about cosleeping), "A Ride on Mother's Back" (a children's book about babywearing), "Love You Forever" (just one of those sugary-sweet children's books) and lots of clothes starting at size 12M. Mommy's list has some books by Dr. Sears, books and videos on baby signing & the one thing I want the most... an Ellaroo wrap in the Maija fabric (http://ellaroo.com/wraparound-carrier.html).

Speaking of babywearing, I was so excited that I finally met another babywearing mom while I was out! Jonah always gets lots of attention in his sling... People seem to love it. But I've never seen or met anyone else who uses one. But yesterday I was at Target and had Jonah in his sling and a woman came up to me and started asking me all about it. Turns out she has the same sling for her newborn, but was having trouble using it (she was using a wrap instead). So she was inspecting how I had Jonah in it and was asking how I carried him when he was younger. It was pretty cool talking about it! I *love* wearing Jonah. It's so much nicer than the stroller. The stroller is so big and bulky and when I use it, I can never get through doors and in and around isles at stores. It's a pain... I mean, I can throw the diaper bag in it which is nice. But I can also just leave the diaper bag in the car and run out if I need anything. I just tuck a bib and a burp cloth into the sling with Jonah for quick wipe ups if need be. And honestly, this is the main reason why I love the sling - I feel connected to my son all the time. When he's in the stroller, I can't see him or interact with him or anything. It's like he's not even there. But the sling is not like that at all. Last week we were at Target (seriously, I live there) and I had Jonah in the sling. He was getting tired so I switched him from a kangaroo carry (where he is sitting up with his back against my chest and facing out) to a cradle carry (just like it sounds... laying down across my chest in the sling kinda like a hammock). Within minutes he totally knocked out. And as he fell asleep, I got to listen to him make soft, sweet squeaks and coos and feel him pressed against me and he had his little hand wrapped around one of my fingers the whole time. It was so precious to just be out, casually wandering through the store with Kevin with my son securely tucked against me. I was dizzy with love and happiness as we shopped and had he been in his stroller, I would have missed it all. Here's a pic of him in the sling (in the cradle carry position!) with his Daddy. It's kinda old, but the only one I have uploaded now. I'll post some more recent ones soon since we just took some the other day!

On to other things... I guess things with the MOB aren't so hot. I talked at length with my grandma and the woman and her kid just seem weird and rude. They *never* come out of their rooms to even sit with my grandma. When the MOB makes breakfast or lunch, she and her son take their plates into their rooms and eat there instead of at the table (how odd is that!). The kid has been rude to my grandma, too which annoys me. It's like he thinks he's hit the "big time" now that he is here and he wants everything. Ugh. I totally knew it would be like this. To make matters worse, the MOB has not had sex with my uncle and they are married! What does that say?? Yeah, she really loves him. They're total strangers. Kevin brought up the point that since it has not been consummated, my uncle could annul the marriage if he wanted to. But I know he won't. Right now he is trying to buy their affections. I just can't believe my uncle traded one cold spinster for another... Ugh. He is so stupid.

Moving on... Not a lot of big plans for over the Thanksgiving weekend. We'll do the family thing, of course. We also have plans to hang out with Tiffany & Bryan on Saturday. And at some point we're supposed to get together with Jerry, Raechel & Mena. We may also have a playdate with our dogs... It got cancelled last weekend because it was raining. We should also get Jonah's holiday pictures done, but I haven't made an appointment. I hope it's not too hard to get one.
Anyway, I guess that's it. Life continues to be good =) So much to be thankful this year. Hard to believe it, but I am finally LIVING my dream!

Getting some heat for being AP

2004-11-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

So, life continues to be good. Everything is pretty status quo. On Sunday we're having a playdate with our Italian Greyhounds. I'm pretty excited since we haven't had one since before Jonah was born. So everyone gets to meet the baby and our Iggies get to have some much needed fun. We still try to take them to the dog park every Sunday, but there is still no doubt that they are getting less attention now and sometimes I feel bad.

So, did I mention that my uncle is now officially married. He and his mail-order bride (MOB) got hitched on Friday at the court. I guess they're having a Russian Orthodx wedding in January. I think there's going to be trouble in paradise, though. My uncle lives with my grandma (he owns his own house, too but is renting it... this arrangement allows someone to be with my grandma and help her out) so now his MOB and her child live there, too. My grandma, god love her, is kind of a "my way or the highway" sort. She cannot stay out of other people's business, especially in her house (it's so funny... she always claws at her neck desperately when she sees Jonah in a bib because she is convinced it is suffocating him! LOL!). Well, she thinks MOB's little boy controls her too much. I'm not sure exactly why, but it may have something to do with the fact that the kid accompanied them on their honeymoon to Catalina because he didn't want to be left behind. As a new mom, if there is one thing I am certain of, it's that the surest way to piss of a Mommy is to try and dictate how she should parent or criticize her parenting style. It's also little things, I guess. The MOB was making soup and it was in a pot that was a little small so it kept splashing on the stove. She was wiping it up every time it splashed, but my grandma got out a bigger pot for her to transfer the soup to and the MOB decided not to use it. I guess my grandma was offended. I adore my grammy, but she's pretty set in her ways and I would *never* be able to live with her. But I guess if she doesn't like the MOB, she can kick them out. My uncle's house is only like 2 miles away so he would still be close.

So, moving on to my favorite topic, Jonah is doing very well. He is starting to become more mobile. He has been rolling from back to tummy for over a month now. Well, yesterday he went from tummy to back. He was on the floor and I was sitting about 5 feet away from him with his favorite toy in my lap. And Jonah rolled a few times until he was closer to me and then scooted himself until he was close enough to reach the toy! It was amazing! It's a far cry from genuine crawling or even the army-crawl. But I can tell crawling isn't far off... He's already desperate to get around on his own! This is both an exciting and scary prospect for me. Time to baby-proof, I guess!

Jonah is also eating bananas now and he LOVES them. He really didn't take to rice cereal. At first it was interesting to him so he would eat it, but then he started refusing it. We weren't sure if this was specific to rice cereal or if it was an issue with solids in general. So we decided to try offering him a little mashed banana to see what he thought. Oh my... It was like the heaven's parted and a sweet ray of tasty perfection was planted on Jonah's tongue! He went NUTS for the bananas! With every bite, he would say, "Mmmmmmmm..." And if I poised the spoon in front of him waiting for him to swallow what was in his mouth before putting the next bite in there, he'd actually launch himself forward and attack the spoon with his mouth! His enthusiasm was hysterical!! So we've decided to skip the rice cereal altogether. Instead we're offering a little mashed banana 2x per day. He is such a happy camper! And the weird thing is that everyone said to be careful because it could constipate him, but it has been quite the opposite! Normally Jonah would only go to the bathroom once every other day or so and sometimes seemed a little bound up. But since we started the bananas he has been going twice a day and has had NO tummy problems! Weird...

Here's another cool thing... Dr. William Sears is kind of the "father" of Attachment Parenting. He's our little parenting philosophy guru. Well, I knew he had a practice in SoCal about an hour from where I live. I was bored yesterday so I checked to see if he is in Jonah's insurance plan and he is! Not only that, but he is also accepting new patients! I was so surprised... He and his 2 sons are actually ALL accepting new patients. I talked to Kevin about it and he said he thinks we should switch to one of them (we're leaning toward Dr. Bob, who is the elder Dr. Sears' son). We like our ped enough, but we're always a little paranoid about bringing certain aspects of our parenting up to him. I think we want to like him and we both know if he ever criticized us for cosleeping or told us to let Jonah CIO (cry-it-out) we would never be able to go back. So we're selective about the things we discuss. And I just think it would be awesome to have a ped who not only accepts our parenting style, but who actually endorses it, writes about it and practiced it with his own children (who have, in turn, practiced it with their kids). I have to call the insurance to discuss the particulars, but if possible, I am hoping we can change before Jonah's 6 month well-baby visit.

Speaking of all of this, I am a frequent contributor to a discussion board. I started there when I was going through infertility. And I have since made a lot of good friends over there. It's pretty tight-knit. Anyway, now I participate on the parenting boards. As an AP parent I *know* I am in the minority over there (there are other AP moms, but mostly they are more traditional Ferber/CIO moms), but I am always respectful of others and I never criticize other moms. If they ask for advice or if there is an opportunity, I will make AP suggestions. But I do so gently and tactfully. Anyway, without even mentioning Dr. Sears name, I asked the other moms if they thought an hours drive to see a ped who strongly advocates your parenting style seemed excessive. Everyone was polite in their response, except for one person who wrote this to me:

You seem like you have it all together, very smart & knowledgeable but just not in the parenting department, Avoiding the baby's shots? letting him sleep between you and DH? Only you and your dh watching up with your work schedules, do you not trust anyone else with your baby? And at times not letting your baby CIO ??? I don't completely agree with it, but I also don't want a spoiled BRAT by not allowing him to cry at times....His shots are important for a healthy baby, I love the idea of you wanting your son to sleep with you, I would love that closeness too, but also would want the baby to adjust to his own living enviorment, so he can grow to become independant ~ If Mommy & Daddy are always there and doing everything & sharing in everything how does he ever learn right from wrong? He's going to grow up and never know the diffrence, I'm sorry but I do not agree with all your parenting techinques, and don't feel all are healthy choices, I am very sure that your son is the most important thing in your life and I very much respect you for that but please try and think down the road and see where all this plays a part. I think your a great person so please don't take this the wrong way, you are always supportive of others.

Can you believe that?? Talk about back-handed compliments! She's telling me how well-informed I am while also telling me I'm a bad mom!! I mean she is actually attacking me because Kevin changed his work schedule to be home with Jonah while I work!! Most of her arguments are so ill-informed and ridiculous that I can't even respond to them! And those "shots" I am avoiding? Chicken pox & flu shots plus a very short delay on the Hep B. I was so angry I couldn't even see straight. I managed to compose myself and respond back to her without attacking her. I posted what she wrote to me on an AP support group I belong to and some of the moms there noted that it seems like she is kind of envious - she seems like her instincts are telling her to practice AP, but that she is dismissing those instincts and instead listening to outside "noise" and letting that dictate how she parents. That made me a little sad and sort of softened my anger. It actually made me feel sorry for her and her babies. Anyway, this is what I wrote:

Well, to put it bluntly, I completely disagree with you. First of all, we are not skipping Jonah's vaccines. I took it upon myself to look into each and every vaccine he would receive and ultimately decided he would be fully vaccinated. The *only* exceptions I've made are for the flu shot and the chicken pox vaccine. I've never had either of those vax and I'm fine. I don't think they're necessary... It's my choice and it doesn't put anyone at risk. My mom is very pro-vax and an RN and even she is supportive of our decision to not have those vax. And she was also supportive of our decision to delay the Hep B until 2 months rather than have it at birth. Many peds do it this way anyway.

As for cosleeping, my son does not sleep between DH and I normally. DH works nights so it is just Jonah and I. And we have now "side-carred" Jonah's crib (taken down one side and attached it to our bed) so that Jonah has his own space, but is still with us. He sleeps on my side of the bed so he is only next to me. And my son IS adjusting to his living environment... it's with us. Just because he doesn't sleep alone in his nursery does not mean he can't be independent. He can be alone and he is fine. We PREFER to cosleep. We like the closeness, we believe there are true benefits to Jonah and it also ensures everyone gets a good night's sleep. This is what works for us and we love it. If you don't want to cosleep, then fine. I don't endorse it for everyone. But if it works for you, as it does for us, then great. We have done the research and we are happy with our decision. We will transition DS to his own room when he is a toddler or when he seems ready. But he will always be welcome in our room. This does not affect intimacy between DH and I so there is no problem with it. Parents have slept with their babies for ever and ever. It is only in western cultures that we separate them from us. And most people who cosleep have no problems transitioning their children to their own rooms. Look, if my son needs us for comfort when he sleeps, sobeit. I am happy to provide that for him. He feels secure and so do we. Our choice should not bother you. I don't bash people whose babies sleep independent so I expect the same courtesy.

As for my son growing up to be spoiled, I honestly wouldn't worry about it. Just because we cosleep and do not CIO does not mean he'll be spoiled. On the contrary because he feels secure with us I would actually anticipate that he won't feel the need to act out in some cry for attention. At 4 months old, I also simply don't believe a baby can be spoiled. I see no benefit to CIO, but I also do not bash those who use it. For me, answering my son's cries promptly assures him that his needs for comfort are being met. He will never have to worry if we're going to respond to his emotional needs. This does not mean when he is a toddler throwing a tantrum that we're going to coddle him. But right now he is a baby and I do not believe babies are capable of manipulation. So when he cries, I believe he has a genuine need and I respond to that as does my DH. And I have said this before and I will say it again... Things do not spoil when you attend to them, but when you leave them alone to rot.

I completely do not understand your statement about Jonah not being able to learn right from wrong because Kevin and I are always there. He's a baby now so he has no concept of these things. As he grows and matures we will discipline him and teach him. Boundaries and appropriate behavior are very important to us as they are to many AP parents. Just because we foster closeness does not mean we have an "anything goes" attitude of permissiveness. Quite the opposite... But honestly, how do you discipline a 4 month old?

As for DH and I arranging our schedules so that we can be the ones to care for Jonah, I do not see the problem with that at all. Isn't it preferable that the parents care for the child if at all possible? I mean, if you could avoid day care, wouldn't you? DH is just as capable of taking care of Jonah as I am. In fact, he enjoys having time with his son that is just Daddy & Son time. They play and go for walks and take nice long naps and really enjoy bonding and spending time together. To us, this is preferable to day care where Jonah would be only one of several children being watched by people we don't really know, exposed to all kinds of icky germs and getting sick all the time. I worked in a day care. I know they can be good places. But the kids ARE always sick. And IMHO as good as any day care might be, home is preferable and I think just about any parent would agree with that. We were fortunate that we could make it work. DH and I still spend time together every day. No one is suffering from this arrangement. And we do it not because we don't trust anyone else, but rather because we are Jonah's parents and if we can be the ones to take care of him, we will. As it happens my MIL actually watches Jonah for an hour every day since the time when I leave for work and when DH gets home overlaps. We haven't had anyone baby-sit (and when we do, it will likely be the grandparents just because they have first dibs and I know they wouldn't pass up the opportunity!) simply because we haven't needed to. And we just prefer to do things that Jonah can come along for. He is a happy, easy-going baby so he does great on outings. Not to mention DH and I both work and miss time away from Jonah so when we do have free time, we prefer to spend it with him. But Jonah is content and sociable and when we have visitors he always gets passed around and he is fine with it. We don't "hog" him... We're happy to share. But we don't see the need to be away from him just for the sake of it.

And just so you know, we parent the way we do BECAUSE we are looking down the road. We believe what we are doing will benefit Jonah and make him a secure and happy person. We believe the way we parent is fostering a sense of trust and affection between us. We believe what we do, we do in the interest of Jonah's emotional and physical health. We adore him and would do anything for him. We don't see ANY of this as spoiling him, but rather as simply caring for him in the best possible way we can. FWIW, DH's parents were AP and he and his brother turned out magnificently and the family is incredibly close. And neither of them slept with their parents until they were teenagers, even though they coslept as babies and toddlers =)

I am trying not to take great offense to the fact that you are insinuating that I am not a good mom. I am trying to remember that you are probably ignorant to a lot of the methods we use and the reasons behind them. I have never accused moms who CIO or don't cosleep or who use daycare or who vax without researching or who circumcise as being bad moms. They simply do things differently than we do, but to the same end as us... Because they believe it is best for their family and especially for their child. I think it's incredibly rude and presumptuous of you to insinuate that we're bad parents because we don't do things they way you would. And your suggestion that we will lack direction and discipline is WAY off base. Being an AP parent isn't about "anything goes"... It's about following your child's cues, and most certainly that includes their cues that show they need direction and discipline. But not as a baby. And really, I don't see cosleeping as a discipline issue (which you seem to). I see it as a security issue and, to be perfectly honest, the best way for ALL of us to get a sound night's sleep.

If you are interested in educating yourself about the real reasons why we do the things we do and about Attachment Parenting, I've included a link (www.askdrsears.com). And I will also include this piece of friendly advice... Never accuse a mom who does things different than you of being a bad mom. You'll only serve to bring out the inner bear in her.

Besides people, how could this be wrong:

It's beautiful, natural, sweet and so very nice. Not everyone needs to do it, but to attack people for cosleeping... I mean, why?

Anyway, speaking of AP, I have officially joined a local AP playgroup!!! I am so excited about it! It took forever to be "approved" into the group, but I finally was today. They meet all the time and go to the park or to the Farmer's Market or for storytelling. It sounds SO fun! A lot of the stuff is on weekdays so I will miss quite a bit. But I have some vacation days left and I also have a pretty flexible job so I can take some days off here and there to go. I have to look at the calendar and decide when to go to my first official playgroup. I think it will be fun... I'm looking forward to interacting with other Moms who do things like I do. The weird looks from other people when they find out we AP are getting old.

So, I guess that's it! I'll be back soon...

Picture posting & whatnot

2004-11-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

OK, so I think this is actually working. At least as I type this I can see a picture. I only used this one because it is the first picture ever taken of Jonah and I together. He is only a few minutes old and I still have one hand strapped down. It looks like I'm holding him, but I'm not. Because I had a c-section, I didn't get to hold him until I was in my room and he was done in the nursery. I look pretty darn awful in this pic... But hey, 41 hours of labor and a c-section will do that to you!

A little bit boring...

2004-11-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

I am so lazy about writing. I'm not quite sure what it is that is making me feel so ambivalent about it. I always think of things I want to write about in my car. But when I get in front of the computer all of my motivation diminishes.

Anyway, I'll start with Jonah... He's doing well. Poor little one is getting over his very first cold. But he handled it well. I think I gave it to him, but I have no idea where I picked it up at. He still has a little bit of a stuffy nose, but otherwise is fine. The first night it descended upon him it was like having a newborn all over again. He would sleep for an hour then be awake for an hour all night long. Since Kevin and I were also sick, it was exhausting. But we got through it. And he never cried, he just couldn't sleep. We slept on the couch with him so he could sit up a little bit. It seemed to help his congestion. He was very somber the first day he was sick... He barely smiled. But he also didn't cry or anything. He's such a trooper.

He had a nice Halloween. He was the Tom Arma lion. It was the cutest costume ever. We went with Raechel and Jerry to have pictures of Jonah and Mena in their costumes taken. I should get them soon. Kevin and I took him to 2 different Halloween fairs, too. Jonah wasn't all that interested, but it was his first Halloween so we had to. At one of the fairs we actually found a little lost child wandering down a dark side alley. He couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 years old and he was dressed as Dumbo. There were some scary looking men in an adjacent parking lot, but I thought he might belong to them. I asked them and none of them claimed him. So I asked where his Mommy was and he told me she was at home. When I asked him who he was there with, he looked at me like I was stupid and said, "You!" It was actually pretty funny. Anyway, once we determined that his parents weren't anywhere in sight, I picked him up and we were going to take him to the police. On our way a group of children, the oldest no more than 10, rushed up to us to claim him. Honestly, who lets a 10 year old supervise that many children at a very busy outdoor event with all kinds of people. I mean, I know Kevin and I found that little guy, but we could have been *anyone.* I mean, what if we were child molesters or something? What the hell is wrong with people...

Anyway, aside from the lost child fiasco, Halloween was fun. I was going to take Jonah with me to vote, but he ended up being sick. Instead he wore my sticker and I took a picture of him. I wanted to talk about the election here, but I just can't. I am terribly disappointed in the way it went and I feel so disconnected from the people who voted for Bush. I just don't understand at all. Not one little bit... That man does not represent anything I stand for at all and I honestly feel our nation is both in physical and philosophical jeopardy with him in office. I just keep telling myself that it is only 4 years... We can survive 4 years.

In other news, my uncle's mail order bride arrived last week. Very strange. I am trying to be supportive, but I mean, come on. She's a mail order bride! She doesn't speak a word of English. It's odd. I wonder what they do when they're alone together. When she was still in the Ukraine she had an interpreter who would translate my uncle's letters and then write letters for her in English. But now she's here and he doesn't speak Russian and she doesn't speak English and they're getting married on Friday. Why is my uncle such a dumbass. He JUST got out of a terrible marriage with an awful woman and they had a messy divorce and he ended up having to pay her a ridiculous amount of alimony for the rest of her life. Now he takes on a much younger woman who doesn't speak the same language of him and who he has met in person one time. And she wants more children (she already has a son who is also here with her... he's a sweet kid and he actually speaks some English). Of course. I mean, if she has kids, then (assuming the worst about her) when she has her citizenship and can leave my uncle, she will get alimony and child support. But what can I do except smile and talk about them behind their back with my brother and mom... Ha!

Moving on, things with Raechel and Jerry are also progressing nicely. We chat often. And Raechel and I had a pretty intimate conversation yesterday on the phone which was actually comforting in this weird way... It felt normal and normal feels good. She and Jerry are having a lot of problems right now. In fact, they have decided to live apart. She is taking Mena and going to live with her mom and he is moving in with his mom. It is supposed to be temporary. Jerry has a lot of issues, including drinking, and Raechel feels he needs to work those out on his own without the pressure and stress of being with her and Mena. Additionally, she doesn't think it's fair to expose Mena to this stuff. I tend to agree with her... I hope Jerry does get it together. Kevin and I are determined to do all we can to support them both.

I know this is scattered, but going back to the baby, I think I have found a local play group here for AP moms which is awesome! I am waiting to hear back from the group leader still, though. I would love to join a playgroup, but I feel incredibly weird around moms who let their babies cry it out and stuff like that. I think it's damn cruel to stuff a baby into a room and letting the scream in the name of teaching them to sleep. I have actually seen a lot of studies that indicate it is emotionally and psychologically damaging to do that to a child. I just think that if a baby cries, it needs something. And you should do your best to provide that "something." Usually it's just comfort. And is there anything so wrong about needing comfort or providing comfort to your child?? Every time Jonah falls asleep he does so in my arms or Kevin's arms. It is not such a big sacrifice to soothe him to sleep... In fact, it's kind of wonderful. I just think that babies will learn how to fall asleep unassisted on their own in their own time. Why do we feel compelled to force this independence on them. They are dependent little beings. As with every other thing they learn, learning to sleep without assistance will come in time naturally. And I will NEVER see attending to my child's needs, making sure he knows I will be there to answer all of his cries, as something bad. I think it makes him a secure, happy child. Besides my inherent opposition to crying it out, I also just feel like the town weirdo because we have done some things a little different than other moms. We don't use CIO. We cosleep. We babywear. We did not circumcise. And now, just to make us even more of the oddballs, we've decided to do Baby Signs with Jonah (basically it's about hearing parents teaching their non-verbal hearing infant sign language to communicate! Fun!!). I'm excited about it! But with regard to playgroups, I just don't want to go to one and feel like I am being judged or feel judgmental about other people. So an AP group would be perfect for us. We are not into all of the things often associated with AP (we don't cloth diaper and I am no longer BFing among other things). But fundamentally, the basic principles that guide us in our parenting our AP.

I guess that's really everything for now... My life is so exciting to live right now, but kinda boring to talk about! I think I'm gonna see if I can get some pictures up here now...

Peaceful

2004-10-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

"Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?"
-The Flaming Lips Do You Realize

I know, I know... I've said it a million times. But I have to say it again. I am so in love with my son. There is simply nothing more important to me in this world than loving him. And I have come to realize that there is no love affair quite as perfect as that of a mother and her new child. This is what I waited for... This is what those 3 years of madness and endless failed cycles and being a pin cushion for doctor after doctor were all about. They were about this... this love and this intensity. This joy. This perfection. It was worth it. It hurts like hell that we had to go through it, but my God, it was worth it. My son, he's just so beautiful. He is, excuse the cliché, the light of my life. He is the best thing I have ever done, the best gift that has ever been bestowed upon me. I am honored to be his mother. And in some ways those years of infertility were kind of like a "gift." Gift feels like the wrong word... But they did something for me. I have such a keen appreciation for the miraculousness of his life. When I hear other women complain about their babies, all I can think is that I am so grateful for mine. Even when I was nursing all the time, when I wasn't sleeping more than 2 hours at a time... I was so happy. I even feel a twinge of sadness when I remember those middle-of-the-night feedings when it was just Jonah and I at peace in the quiet, dark world. He is growing so fast. And he is such an incredible little child... So happy and peaceful. Such a cuddly baby. And I am so happy he is so sweet and snuggly. I love it. While other parents stress about making their babies sleep on their own and about trying to get them to sleep without rocking them or holding them, I am secretly (or perhaps not so secretly as it may be) relishing watching my child fall asleep in my arms. I am happy to snuggle up next to him every night, falling asleep with our foreheads pressed together and with his little hand resting in mind. It's perfect. I mean, perfect. There is no greater peace or joy in this world than when Jonah and I fall asleep together at night and wake up smiling at each other in the morning. I wish I could make the love I feel for him tangible to everyone. It's so much... It's so amazing and overwhelming. I am blessed... Blessed like no other woman on this planet. How did I get so lucky? There is a perfect child on this planet and he is mine... I get to be his Momma. My God, what an honor.

****
"I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how"
-Oasis Wonderwall

"We don't notice any time pass
we don't notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
teacher thinks that I sound funny
but she likes the way you sing

Tonight I'll dream while in my bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we're going to be friends"
-The White Stripes We're Going to be Friends

Moving on, Raechel and Jerry and Kevin and I have seen each other 3 times in the past week. We met Mena and they met Jonah. The first day it was a little weird with Raechel and I... We were almost too polite. But she emailed me the next day to see if we wanted to stop by after Jonah's appointment on Thursday (btw... his appointment went well. He was 18lbs12oz which is the 97th percentile for weight and he was 25" which is the 48th percentile for height... Doc says he's a very healthy little guy!). So we did. And on Thursday Kevin left to run errands and it was just Raechel and I for a few hours. And it went well... It melted into this normalcy. And it was sooo nice. I really missed her, I did. As much chaos as there was when our friendship dissolved 2 years ago, I just feel like we can maybe get past it. We're different parents and that's OK. She's more of a traditional parent and I am more AP. I think that helps. We have a respect for each other's different ways. And Mena is precious... So vocal already! And so sweet and cute. Raechel has really taken to Jonah, too. She asks to hold him all the time. He fell asleep in her lap once and I thought it was such a nice, perfect sight. Finally things are as they should be. Since we were little girls we talked about growing older together, becoming wives and raising our children. And finally we are. And Kevin and Jerry are like 2 little boys. They missed each other so much. So we're kind of in this honeymoon phase where we can't get enough of each other. Raechel and I already have plans to take the babies to get their Halloween pictures this week and then Saturday we're going to take them to a pumpkin patch. It's working out well. I'm letting the past go and so is she. I guess I have to honor that there is a sisterhood that exists between us. We've been tied together since we were 11 years old. And I would never walk away from someone in my family without trying to fix things, without honoring the fine art of forgiveness that my mother endowed me with. So I forgive her. There. I said it. And I mean it. I forgive her and I trust that she has the best of intentions and that we can be the friends we once were...

I am at peace. Finally.

Unexpected

2004-10-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

"And I hold you close in the back of my mind.
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt.
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now."
-Ryan Adams, "La Cienega Just Smiled"

My brain is on overload again. I actually drove to work this morning mapping out what I needed to write about. But it's all changed already and I can hardly even remember what I was thinking of mere hours ago.

What changed? I got an email from Raechel. Almost 6 months ago she viewed Jonah's web site and signed his guestbook. It totally threw me for a loop. As of September it has been 2 years since we spoke. And our 16 year friendship did not end on a friendly note. It was pretty gruesome. So much mistrust and competition. I had to escape it. And when I questioned that decision a few months later, she told me in no uncertain terms that she did not question the demise of our friendship. And at the same time, her cruelty and accusations made me realize that I had done the right thing. It's not easy to let go of someone who has been almost a sister for most of your life. But let go we did... And then out of the blue, a nice, polite message on Jonah's web site. It was like nothing ever happened. And it freaked me out. After much debating I decided to just ignore it and not respond. But I have been wrestling with that decision ever since... I miss her. Of course there were disastrous aspects of our friendship. But to walk away was incredibly difficult and made me sad. I have been fluctuating between anger and sorrow for 2 years. And I guess, almost as a means to end the constant wondering, I finally decided to respond. I was brief, but cordial, mimicking her tone so as not to get too involved, but also to avoid being curt. It's been over a week so I figured that was that. But then my Inbox fluttered and there it was...

What does it say? I don't know... It's longer this time, more inviting. But still very polite. Raechel and I know each other so well. And our acquaintance-like correspondence, especially considering what has happened, seems a little false. But at the same time, an explosive confrontation wouldn't work either. What would that do? She gave me her phone number... Asked me to have lunch with her. I reminded her of my phone number and told her I would like to have lunch. We both have children now. Last time I saw her we were 2 skinny girls lounging by the pool enjoying a fanciful vacation in San Diego with our boys (who also happen to be best friends and who also haven't had a friendship in 2 years, really). It's strange. I haven't often pondered the ridiculousness of 2 lifelong friends married to 2 lifelong friends (though I'm actually not sure if they are married yet), both with young children, yet no one speaking. A sad little scenario.

On the one hand I am filled with excitement and promising hope. Perhaps we can work past this. We are, after all, mothers now. Maybe that gives us some special insight we were incapable of when we didn't have children to guide us. Maybe we can be honest and fix the nonsense that corrupted our friendship before. So many times I have thought about her, reached out to call her and relate something to her, and then realized that I couldn't. Case in point... A few weeks ago I was in the shower, getting lost in my thoughts and enjoying what is the only time that is exclusively mine anymore. My mind was wandering and for whatever reason, it drifted back to when I was 14. And all of a sudden a thought struck me: Ohmigod... Greg Calder had a mullet! I immediately started laughing hysterically, alone and naked in the shower like a crazy person. And before I could even think, I was imagining calling Raechel and her reaction. Of course, a moment later I realized that I wouldn't be calling her, nor would I hear her reaction and the smile on my face sort of faded as I realized I wouldn't be sharing my revelation with her. And see, I know that there is no one else in the world who I could simply call up and say with astonishment, "Greg Calder had a mullet!!" who would get it. I would have to explain that Greg was the boy who I was desperately in love with, who thought he was soooo cool and who broke my heart. And even then, it wouldn't be funny. But the startling obviousness of the notion would not be lost on Raechel and she would have dissolved into giggles, too. I missed her so much in that moment...

But then, I am also a little frightened. I hated the mistrust that flowed between us. I hated the condemnation. I hated the accusations. I hated feeling inferior and I hated how she could make me feel about myself. I hated her judgment. I hated that I felt like nothing was mine. And I hated that everything always seemed like a competition in the end. I don't want to subject myself to that. And I would hate to think that my child could be subjected to that. It makes me dizzy to even think of it. As I responded to her email, I kept thinking, "You're out of your fucking mind to be doing this..." But I couldn't stop myself. And now, only a few hours after sending the email, I already want to call her and hear her voice... I want to commiserate with her in a way that I have never been able to commiserate with anyone in my life.

***

It's over now... 3 days later. We spoke. It was surreal. She wrote to me again later that day and I guess I just figured, what harm can be done by speaking to her. I mean, worst case scenario... we don't talk anymore. And since that is already where we have been for the last 2 years, I guess things can only get better. I am cautiously hopeful about the future of this friendship. We talked for almost 2 hours Tuesday night. It felt... like it used to feel. I don't know, maybe a little weird. But it was easy, too. Mostly we talked about being Moms. And we decided that we're going to get together, probably next week.

Kevin is happy. He and Jerry also lost their friendship during all of this. And they'd been friends since they were 4 years old. Neither of them knew how to communicate with each other and to support Raechel and I at the same time. Kevin wanted a friendship with Jerry. But he felt like Jerry wasn't making any effort. And Jerry wanted a friendship with Kevin, but he felt like Kevin hated him. So now the boys have plans to speak again, too. And I must say, Jerry and I became pretty close over the course of the 6 years that we knew each other. We were friends in our own right (our friendship was formed before Kevin and I started dating). And I missed him... When I saw him a year ago and fled his presence, it was like a knife. I practically ran from him in a parking lot, seeking the refuge of my car, as he called my name. And when I had no choice but to face him, looking at him wounded my soul. But I couldn't do it... He told me he missed me. And I told him I missed him too, but that it was not worth it and I got into my car with both regret and resolve.

So here it is... Two sets of best friends and the children they have produced and not yet shared, reunited after 2 long years. I hope that we can overcome the things that destroyed us in the past. I hope we can rebuild what we have lost and that our friendships will take us long into the future.

Undefined & guilty...

2004-10-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

This is my first post here. I don't know how much or how little I'll end up writing today. I feel writing deprived. The site that was hosting my online journal crashed almost 2 weeks ago and I haven't been able to write since. I ended up here because a friend writes here and I decided to give it a try. I'm a little intimidated by the word "blog." It feels like I have to do something spectacular... It sounds so techy and hip. And I'm more of the journaling type. I mean, is there a difference???

Anyway, so here I am. I feel compelled to give everyone a history lesson, but that also seems just so tiring at the same time. So we'll see how it goes. I tend to ramble and get lost on tangents a lot so undoubtably I will include some sort of historical references here and there as I babble...

There are 2 things I have been thinking a lot about lately. First, is this weird notion that I am a mother now. I mean, I was a mother before Jonah in the sense that I had a child. But I never got to parent her. She was gone so quickly... And I was this childless mother. And then I became an infertile childless mother. And I'm having some issues redefining myself as just a mom. I love it... I mean, after 3 years of infertility and agony and waiting and uncertainty and just heartbreak after heartbreak, Jonah is like this immense gift. It's like winning the lottery kind of. I mean, I got to a point where I just never thought I would have a baby. I wanted it so badly, I had these incredible dreams of motherhood... Fantasies of raising a child. And now he's here. I wish I could explain how surreal that is. And all the dreams I had of being a mom, they were shallow compared to the incredible depth of the reality of it. My imagination was so inadequate because it is so much more than I could have hoped for.

But I am struggling a little bit. Not with being a mom. But with seeing myself as something other than bereaved and infertile. The reality is that I spent so much time wanting a child and just suffering through the infertility routine. And then I spent so much time in paralyzed fear waiting for my pregnancy to be over, terrified I would lose Jonah like I lost Riley. So now that Jonah is here, I just want to enjoy him. I would like to have another child. Eventually. Right now, I want to devote everything I have to this happiness. BUT, there is this part of me that doesn't know how to let go of pregnancy, both the reality of it and the quest for it. When I had my first cycle after Jonah's birth just a few weeks ago, I was almost sad. I felt this strange, familiar desperation. I'm so used to crying when my period starts... It's what I've been doing for so many years. So now, I don't know how to be ambivalent about it even though I am not ready to try to have another baby. Does that make any sense?? And on top of that, as much as I felt just sheer panic during my pregnancy, I miss being pregnant. I miss the anticipation. I miss walking around with a giant belly and having random people guess the sex of my child or the sweet smiles strangers would flash at me. Which is really weird. Because I was so anti-pregnant people when I was struggling to conceive, I was also acutely aware of all the anonymous women out there who might be in the predicament I had just been in, of how seeing me (or anyone) in full pregnant glory was just like a knife in the heart. It's just that for so long I have either been pregnant or been trying to get pregnant. And now I am neither. I just am. And it's a weird, difficult adjustment. I don't know how to function like a normal person... And I feel weird and almost guilty about it.

And that leads me to the other thing that has been filling my weird little mind... Guilt. Who knew being a mother would be synonymous with feeling guilty ALL THE TIME and about everything. I am really finding my place with a parenting style known as Attachment Parenting (AP). And I feel good about it. It seems to be coming naturally to me. But I second guess everything I do. I question my motives, even. For example, Jonah and I cosleep. I hadn't planned on it. But it felt so nice and natural. And we have been doing it from day 1. I haven't even really tried to get him to sleep anywhere besides with me. He enjoys it and so do I. And it's convenient. And here's the kicker, because it's so convenient and because Jonah has consistently been sleeping about 10 hours at night since he was about 7 weeks old or so, I feel like I have ulterior motives or something. Like he's not sleeping in a crib only because I don't feel like dealing with the adjustment and that makes me feel guilty! But the thing is, he LIKES cosleeping and so do I so who cares if it's convenient! That should be a benefit!! I still can't shake it, though... As if I am being selfish by cosleeping.

The other thing I feel weird guilt about is the amount of time I spend holding Jonah. It's a lot. I mean he is held most of the time by me or Kevin. Just recently he has started to fuss a little to let us know he needs "me" time, though. So we put him in his Pack & Play for a while. He's learned to roll over and he likes to "practice" in there. Now, on the one hand, I feel guilty about holding him all the time. Again, I feel like it's an issue of convenience. My son rarely cries and I feel like everything we do, we do to keep him from fussing. It certainly is nice for us to have a baby who is good-natured and not fussy. And because of that, I feel selfish again! Like I'm holding him just to keep him from crying for MY sake. But there's nothing wrong with doing whatever he needs to make him happy! I mean, I WANT to meet his needs. I WANT him to feel loved, safe and secure. So really, even though I benefit from his happiness, it really is for him! And then, on the flip-side, even though Jonah has been "asking" (as much as a 3.5 month old baby can ask) to be in his Pack & Play a little bit, I feel guilty about putting him in there! As much as I love holding Jonah, I am enjoying having 2 free arms every now and then. And because I enjoy times when I am not holding him, again I question my motives. But Jesus, the kid needs to have some time to himself if he wants it. And if he so much as fusses a little bit, I go to him and pick him up. I am very much following a child-led regiment. So why is it that if I enjoy aspects of it and they come easily, I feel guilty about it??

Who knew such happiness could come with so much self-doubt...